Jan 27, 2009

There is a God - I knew it!

There was fire in the Bangalore Forum Mall food court. There were no casualties reported. The food court area will be restored in a week. Timely action by the Fire Department avoided this incident turning into a tragedy. At the time when the fire broke out there were reportedly more than 6000 people in the Mall.

Though I am glad that there were no casualties, I must really appreciate Agnideva. Well done,man! Maybe this will scare the hordes of useless people who rush to Forum every free minute of their humdrum lives. Mostly what I am happy about is that this incident has proved to me the presence of God. God exists! He watches all!

He has seen the hideous blot on the landscape, that bottomless pit of tacky consumerism, that epicentre of life threatening boredom and mass manufactured discontent. He has seen the people spending their hard earned money on that ugly hideous disgusting shit sold in the name of food in that Food Court. The vomit triggering overpriced eatery! That is why He decided to punish them. He started the fire in the food court. Let this be a warning to all! If people don't mend their ways anymore, He is going to take one Landmark next. I am sure.

How I hate Landmark! With their ugly stuffed toys and cards and useless appurtenances sitting right next to their stuffy overpriced blingy book collection! Fuckers!!! Remember ,you are a book store! Not a dealer of Hidesign bags, not a vendor of cheap Gelf Chocolates, not a T-shirt Store! You are a book store. Invest in books! In art! in LITERATURE!!!!!!! Not other shit! Watch and learn! God is watching!

What I pity the most in Forum are the couples. Lots of couples who sit on the Forum steps and pretend that it is a beach or a park or their couch at home. No, it is not! You can have your Rs.25 sickening sweet corn and feed to each other lovingly, grain by grain and nibble each others fingers or gaze into each others eyes, but FYI,it is not a beach! Just 5 feet away from you is a uniformed security guard checking bags and a metal detector through which people pass. Get real! If you are sitting here because you have no money to go anywhere and you don't even have a place to go to, it is really sad for you. I pity you. If you are there, because you think you are cool, only God can help. You are beyond shrinks, that is for sure.

What can be done with Forum? Raze it down to the ground. Make a park of it! With benches and fountains and heavy foliage for couples to come and well,socialise, ground for children to play in, a huge surrounding walkway dotted with shops which sell books,clothes, shoes, fresh hot yummy authentic food etc at reasonable prices. Better,no ? Better than hanging out at Westside and Cafe Coffee Day, you sad sad people!

Jan 18, 2009

Of Ex-es and happy endings

If you and I
were in a Karan Johar movie,
we would meet 20 years later.
We would still be young
and wearing abominably shiny clothes,
get married,'THE END' flashing,
flashing in golden Rockwell Extra Bold font.
We would never say goodbye.

If you and I came out of a
fairytale by the Brothers Grimm,
we would be thrown apart by a
wicked witch, you would roam the world
in search of me and I
would be unconscious under a spell.
Then there would be a kiss,
that makes disappear all the years
and nothing would be amiss.
We would never say goodbye.

If you and I were a part
of an Indian myth, you would forget me
in a wink and I would do penance for you,
apologise profusely when we meet again,
ask for no child support for bearing your child
and raising him, fall at your feet
and then you,me and our son
would do a pooja without skipping a beat.
We would never say goodbye.

If you and I were in a post-modern movie,
depicting the decadent 70s in the US of A,
we would drift apart, get married to 2 perfect people,
end up staying next to each other,
send our kids to the same summer camp
and all the 4 of us would party hard,
have a wild orgy that defied normalcy
in the jacuzzi in my backyard.
We would never say goodbye.

You could go to war,
I could die of a mysterious illness,
one would go in a violent way
leaving the other to be eaten up by regret.
Many things, many ways we would have ended this
on paper, by pen, over blogs, on Orkut,
over mobile networks that easily transmitted
harsh words across great distances.
We would say a lot of hurtful things
that never made no sense.
We would never say goodbye.

We did say goodbye.
It did mean something.
It helps one move on
and the other to get over us.
Because, we did say it,
now I wish you well
and say it from the bottom of my heart,
that at the sound of your wedding bells,
I would dance with a heart as light as my feet.
Wish whole-heartedly, may our stars never cross,
may our fates never meet.

Heard my ex is getting married and about time, I would say. :D.
Hey you,if you are reading this, hope you have a wonderful married life, beautiful wife, 5 kids,a house, a yard, a dog and a well-fed potbelly. :D

Jan 15, 2009

Conversation between me and my career

Me: Wilt thou, fair maiden, go my way?
Wilt thou agree to clasp my hand,
lead me out of the mire of despondency
and the swamp of middle-class mentality?
I pledge thee my troth,
abandon all hopes of love
sign on the dotted line that
asks me to give up on my social life.
What sayest thou ?

Career: Young lady, it is much that you ask
and too much lip from a lady too!
Knowest not thou that a man thou must be
to climb up this steep mountain ?
If not a man, then thou must be the fairest of all damsels
who can beguile all the male wayfarers.
If thou art neither, then what right hath thee
to ask so much of me?
Look around!
Varied is thy choice.
Thou canst be the artful courtesan or artless slut
bimbo receptionist or hard-working sales girl
Many low-level options open to you without doubt!
And if these too doth not please thy undeserving ambition,
then marry a man, serve him well
in bed and without
and you will fulfil your purpose of living, no doubt!

Jan 9, 2009

Current affairs update

At least the first post after a blog revamp needs to be bitch-free.

Mais, c'est tres deficile! Je ne peux pas contenir ma suffrance!

Would you be able to zipper your lips shut if you saw Beyonce's latest hit single "Single Ladies ( Put a ring on it)" ? You couldn't! You wouldn't!

So many things at so many levels! Where do I begin?

The brown sistas of the world are celebrating Bey's comeback and saying " Take that,Britney!".

In this song, Bey is Bey no more. It is Sasha Fierce telling us:

Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it


I got gloss on my lips (lips), a man on my hips (hips)
Hold me tighter than my Dereon jeans

The video has Sistah Action that one hasn't seen ever before!

You want to watch it, don't ya? I know you want to! So just go ahead and click on the video, for Chrissake!

Hungry for more news?

Oh! That Madonna has frittered away the last shred of her dignity and poise by revealing her oh-so-the-opposite-of-young-fresh-and-pre-pubescent flesh as LVMH brand ambassador is old hat now. No need to carry laddus to Tirupati with old news such as not even an itty bitty titty talent remains with the grand dame of music anymore.

Want some domestic news update ?
Nita Ambani goes live with her giggly love story on First Ladies. Excerpt from her precious interview with Abu Jani and Sandeep Khosla.
“I was hooked by Mukesh, I was booked by Mukesh and I was cooked by Mukesh"

On a total aside, the following 2 bits of information will not or should not be allowed to affect the great respect you have for this show

(i) This show was earlier titled " First Wives" and went on air bearing the same title for the promos. Then they hurriedly changed it to First Ladies.
(ii)Abu Jani and Sandeep Khosla are fashion designers, not at all related in any way to the entertainment industry and have no experience whatsoever in hosting talk shows and are not even seen in the league of celebrity hosts.

Don't you love this news update? Wasn't it all important to know about these events?
Really, i don't know why people are trying to forage for information on the trouble in the Gaza strip, or the newspapers go on and on about some measly 7000 crore scandal in Satyam!