May 13, 2018

Failed beauty

In a moment of pure pain, I thought I would cut myself.
Like her, Maggie Gyllenhaal in The Secretary.
She ( and James Spader) made cutting a thing of exquisite beauty.

But years have passed
since I saw them and the movie last.

Maybe I had forgotten how to make it beautiful.
Perhaps it is beautiful only when a sharp glinting steely edge
cuts into young taut skin, and the slutty veins eagerly ooze.

All I had was a dull bread knife.
( Well, sue me!  Everything else lay in the sink)
Dullard dulled by making cheese sandwiches for the baby.

But I would cut myself.
Ok, last moment, went for the thumb instead of the wrist.
( Hey, I still did it, didn't I?)

Now here I am.
Old pain forgotten.
New burdens begotten.

And all that is left is the annoyance
of having to type with one hand.
Coz the other index finger is busy trying to seal
stubborn unbleeding wretched injured skin closed.
Well to quiet it down, if not to heal.